Asking Eric: Wife won’t apologize for abusive behavior

Dear Eric My wife and I have been married years Our children are and and live with us Over the years we have had plenty of arguments and came very close to divorce at once after my youngest was born We attended counseling for a while but it didn t really change anything In current years every little argument sets my wife off like a light switch Her anger at once elevates to the point where she screams at the top of her lungs with total disregard for me our kids or our neighbors When I tire and turn away she hovers over me continuing her barrage Three weeks ago a senseless argument escalated to the point where she threw a heavy glass bottle and a metal cup at my head She missed but then dug her nails in my arm I backed away knowing physically defending myself would only make things worse My kids came running and managed to keep her back and talk her down She left for work and to this day has yet to address her actions This was the second time my wife physically attacked me with her nails the first time having occurred numerous years ago I have no interest in ending my marriage unhealthy as it is but I am concerned that she has not taken any responsibility for her actions and never apologized Furthermore I feel certain she is capable of attacking again and if she does what do I do I know any suggestions on my part to her will be straightaway shot down What should I do Not Looking Good Dear Good This marriage is abusive you are in danger but there is help available You ve written that you don t want to end your marriage so I ll suggest other options but the priority requirements to be your soundness and safety and that may only be workable with separation Please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline thehotline org and share with them what s happening They can reflect back what they re hearing and walk you through options to protect yourself Abusive behavior escalates and it sounds like your wife is a danger to you to your children and to yourself So the first thing to do is to put specific space between you and her That may mean she leaves the house temporarily that may mean you and the children leave the house Talk to the trained responders at the Hotline and to trusted friends about your best and bulk easily accessible option Do this for yourself but also for your children Though they are adults this is still a traumatic atmosphere for them to be in The things they re witnessing and experiencing will have long-lasting effects You don t have to live like this Your wife is capable of changing but she has to want to change first In the interim you shouldn t have to suffer Dear Eric I have several friends with whom I enjoy getting together Sometimes it s a day trip other times it might be lunch or a movie My concern is that it s never anything initiated by one of them Weeks will go by and if I contact the person she is inevitably happy to hear from me If I suggest a meet-up or a day out she seems delighted and grateful that I thought of her Yet the invitation never initiates with her Can you explain why this seems to be a pattern with these individuals I find myself becoming more and more resentful because I seem to be doing all the research and planning and they are just along for the ride At the end of the day literally they inevitably say and act like they ve had a good time By the way if it makes any difference none of them know each other they are individuals I know in different contexts Related Articles Asking Eric Friend inevitably offers help and then flakes Asking Eric Husband s emotional affair remains unresolved and unforgiven Asking Eric Husband kicks wife s children out of the house Asking Eric Longtime professor lectures in casual conversation Asking Eric New supervisor experiences workplace revolt Planner Dear Planner The issue with being a good planner is that everyone reliably wants you to make the plan It s easy for friendships to fall in a planner go-along-with-the-flow dichotomy especially if the other person is more passive or less adept at initiating social interactions So try not to take it personally Oddly it s kind of a compliment Your friends so enjoy the things you think of they don t feel the need to contribute in this way Start by readjusting the shared expectation This will take certain baby approaches The next time you re together set a date for your next outing and invite them to make the plan By leading the charge on setting the date you re handholding them into the shallow waters of event planning and then you release them empowered to authentically plan the thing Sometimes friends need permission or an extra nudge to show up in methods that reflect mutual appreciation Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com